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The Charlie Sheen Guide to Fantasy Baseball

WINNING!

Wild Thing: Charlie Sheen as Ricky Vaughn

Wild Thing: Charlie Sheen as Ricky Vaughn

Unless you’ve been living without electricity in the past few weeks, you’ve no doubt witnessed what might be the biggest celebrity meltdown in history. Charlie Sheen has gone from being the highest paid partying playboy on television to an unemployed “winner” ranting about losing his children and his wife, conspiracies, tiger blood, and having adonis DNA.

As a big fan of Two and a Half Men, we hope that Charlie Sheen gets help with his obvious mental health and drug and alcohol issues and is back making hilarious television comedies very soon.  He’s too big of a talent to be unemployed.

But, there’s some things that the actor who played Ricky Vaughn, “The Wild Thing,” is doing right.  There’s some things that Sheen has done that can even help you win your fantasy baseball league this season, or at least have more fun when the managers get together.

Let’s review them.

Live an Interesting Lifestyle

Who wouldn’t want to live Charlie Harper’s lifestyle?  He hardly ever works, is rich, lives on the beach in Malibu, has meaningless sex with lots of hot babes, all while partying like a rock star Miguel Cabrera Charlie Sheen.

A few years ago, your life used to be a little like Charlie’s.  Your life was all about sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.  The sex…mostly imagined.  The drugs…mostly beer.  And, the rock n’ roll…mostly Springsteen.

Let’s face it.  Your life today is boring.  You go to work every day, have sex 2.3 times per week (not all with somebody else present), and play on a softball team that spends more time at the post-game bar than on the field itself.

If you play in a fantasy baseball league where the other managers are merely people you see a couple of times a year and they aren’t really close friends, take on a new persona at the draft.  Show up wearing a baseball uniform or tuxedo.  Laminate your notes.  When a player’s name is called, give out a meaningless fact about that player (Did you know Shane Victorino wears a double flapped helmet?).

But Be Yourself Too

Charlie Sheen lives within himself.  Heck, he even plays himself on his show.  Not too difficult to act that out, is it?  No wonder he spends almost no time learning his lines; they just come naturally.  Maybe he ad libs.

As a fantasy baseball manager, you need to be yourself.  If, as a baseball fan, you would rather see a well-pitched game than a slugfest, invest in pitching.  Take Roy Halladay in the first round.  If you still remember the temperature and the jersey number of the pitcher when you hit your homerun as a 12-year-old in Little League (the only one of your career), embrace power hitters like Adam Dunn.  If your strength was as a good glove-no hit shortstop, and your favorite player growing up was Mark Belanger, fantasy baseball is not the sport for you.

If You’re Good, You Can Talk the Smack

Charlie Sheen was so good that he could read his lines once and nail them on the first take.  For years, CBS executives overlooked Sheen’s womanizing and drug and alcohol abuse.  Why?  Because he was good, damn good.  Sheen’s show has been in the Top 20 on television every year since it debuted in 2003.  Charlie Sheen is the Michael Vick of television.  If he were just an average performer, he’d have been unemployed years ago.

Win your league and you can talk smack too.  And, for some fantasy baseball managers, talking smack is even more fun than actually winning the league itself.

Have a Catch Phrase

Sheen has turned “Duh, winning” into an international catch phrase.  It’s become so popular that it has appeared on Saturday Night Live.  It has even helped him win a poll amongst independents who would rather see Sheen as president than Sarah Palin.  Duh…

You know the catch phrases I’m talking about.  There was the Bronx Bombers, the Whiz Kids, and the Gas House Gang.  A few years ago, the Cardinals went by “Go when you see red.”  Then, there was “Chicks dig the long ball” during the Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds steroid era.  Canadian football once used “Our Balls are Bigger” which would work for softball too I guess.

Sheen’s “Wild Thing” character became so popular that Major Leaguers like Mitch Williams changed his number to 99 and became known as The Wild Thing.  Now that’s branding.

Your fantasy baseball team needs a catch phrase too.  It should go with your logo and your team’s personality.  It should annoy the heck out of your opponent…just like Charlie’s brother annoys him.

Be Unpredictable

When CBS put the hammer down on Sheen and fired him, it would have been the perfect time for Sheen to put his cocktail between his legs and walk away into the Malibu rehab sunset.  But no.  Sheen went back on the offensive.  He lashed out at his former CBS bosses and blistered his critics with sound bites of awkward brilliance.  While this action eventually got him fired, it did keep him in prime time for another solid week.  Now, that’s tiger blood.

Predictability is not a good thing in fantasy baseball either, especially in an auction draft.  Bid early and aggressively on a top player that you don’t really want, only to fade away just as quickly when the bidding gets pricey.  Don’t bid at all on a guy you do want and then place a late bid when the auctioneer says “going twice.”  It will keep the other managers guessing and that is key in an auction draft that is as much a poker face bluffing as anything.

Don’t Trash Your Bosses

People appreciate it when you stand up for yourself.  You can earn a lot of street cred that way.  There’s probably a few other guys in your fantasy baseball that wish they had said what you said should an injustice be served, but they didn’t have the balls to do so.

But, don’t take it too far.  This was the cause of Sheen’s demise.  For years, CBS executives put up with Sheen’s womanizing, boozing, and drug problems, because he was just so damn good at his job.  But, when Sheen started blasting the bosses too much, he was fired.  And, when Charlie Sheen has an actual full-fledged meltdown or the media gets tired of his act, he won’t be in the news so much any more.

Get Charlie Sheen in Your Fantasy Baseball League

If you can, I highly (literally) recommend that you get Charlie Sheen in your fantasy baseball league this year.

He certainly knows the game having been the star closer in the Major League movies.  (You can check out “Wild Thing” Ricky Vaughn’s stats here.) Characters make your league more interesting.  And, your fantasy baseball post-season party will be more like a Vegas bachelor party with Charlie there.

Maybe he’ll even invite Miguel Cabrera to the party.

So, give him a call.  He doesn’t much else to do right now anyway.

Duh…winner!

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